Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Random Confessions...

I don't know why I am choosing to share these. But, I think somehow I will feel better by getting this off my chest.

What I am like lately:

  • I have been a horrible mom and I know it. (The second part is what makes it hardest. I'd rather not know. At least it would be easier to live with myself...) I can't believe I just admitted that. Out loud.
  • I have an incredible sweet tooth. The cravings are getting worse, even though I know I should be training for a marathon. (Uh oh!) Any advice? One thing that might help is hiding the chocolate chip buckets from myself. (Is that really possible?)
  • I waste time on the computer everyday. (I wish it was not such a magnet. I feel like checking my google reader is like some people's tv. It helps me unwind. But then I just feel like a bad mom and wife. And my house is getting messier. Hmm...)
  • I already messed up on my one-and-only-New-Year's-Resolution. (It would be better if I just got back on track with it, rather than just completely giving up. But for some reason there is not as much of a strong desire, because I already messed up. {Maybe it's Satan working hard against me}) Does anyone else understand this?
  • I can't keep my house clean and I have lost control of my kids chores and after school routine. (I actually have no desire to get them to do their chores. I have a desire to have a clean house. I clean the house while they're at school. The house gets messed up within 30 seconds of them walking in the house from school. I let them play for awhile. I tell them it's time to do chores. It doesn't happen. I don't push it, because I'm busy and don't have the energy either. I also don't like the way I feel when I am fighting with them about it. So, I'd opt for letting it go. But, that is really not in anyone's best interest that I do that.)
  • I'm lazy. (Isn't that obvious from reading the list so far.)
  • I am getting so many white hairs on my head and I'm only 30!! I know, I'm blonde. But I can totally see them!! What the...? I know why people my age color their hair...
  • I am so lost in what I am supposed to be doing with my calling. I am getting some things. But, I wish I had someone to hold my hand while I do every little thing (even on the computer. I so stink at doing things on the computer).
  • I'm jealous of my husband. He gets to go on a skiing trip for four days in Park City. I want to have 4 days totally alone. (What would I actually do? There is too much to do. Maybe I need like 4 YEARS to myself.) Does anyone else ever get jealous of their husband? I also am very happy for him. It's mixed emotions I'm feeling. For sure.
Sorry if this list seems so negative. I'm fine, really. I just know there is room for improvement. Maybe someday I'll share a list of improvements that I've made. Ha... Ya, we'll see.

I'm still debating with myself about whether or not I should really post this. It's weird. Or rather, I'm weird. I know that.

Have a great day! Thanks for being my friend despite my weirdness. :-)


  1. Oh Alena, I totally appreciate your honesty. You said what everyone else feels and goes through. We all get down on ourselves for being unproductive, messing up, and not doing what we should. But I think you are waaaaay harder than you need to be. Because you also have wonderful times where you take your kids to the park and play with paper airplanes, where you magnify you calling, where you are so busy making and doing wonderful things (mostly for other people). Don't get be so hard (even though we all do it, trust me, all of us).

    I read this this week. Its by Pres. Uchtdorf:

    "The first step to walking in righteousness is simply to try. . . Try and keep on trying until that which sees difficult becomes possible--and that which seems only possible becomes habit and a real part of you."

    I like how we are only expected to try. . . and with trying we WILL have failure. We just can't give up trying.

    Sorry I don't mean to sound too preachy because these are all things I'm trying to apply. Just want you to know I'm thinking of you.

    P.S. We need a girls trip. That's really hard for me to say when I'm pregnant because I don't know when that would be but maybe we should get some people together for a quick weekend away in April/May. It would give us all something to look forward to.

  2. I don't have chores for the kids because I don't want to let myself down. I make them clean on the weekend, but that is it. (Tyler takes all day after school to do his homework I couldn't image trying to make him do chores too)
    You are such a talented person. I see the things you do on your blog and I think wow that is cool. You will get back on track. We all have times of self doubt. I try to remind myself who is trying to make me think that way. It is not coming for Heaven that is for sure.

  3. When I get feeling the way you describe here, where all I can think of are the things I am not doing well at...then I stop and concentrate on one thing I do really, really well. I usually say a prayer and first express gratitude for whatever talent I can think of at the moment. After expressing gratitude I ask for strength to improve in all the other areas that are weighing me down. Somehow that makes me feel better. In case you need a few suggestions of things you do very well at, you are great at cheering people up, you are dedicated to running and to being healthy (in spite of a few chocolate chips each day). You produced four amazing kids who love you more than anyone else in the world...that should always be the number one. They love us no matter how short we fall of perfection, to our kids, "Mom" is the safest and most reliable word in their vocabulary.

  4. I love confessional posts like this because it reminds me I'm not alone. :) There are SO many things on here that could be on my blog. I'm with Julie - we all feel this way sometimes. Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm glad you're feeling better and hope it helped to get things out. :)